Death, Loss and grief...and new beginnings

 I have been dreading doing this. Writing about the past year. 

But I woke up with a very heavy heart today, and its not an unfamiliar feeling. I have felt this way the day my father passed away, on 2nd February 2017, and the day my mother passed away too, on 3rd September 2019.

I fear that it means another death is eminent. But I am scared of even voicing those thoughts. I need to write two submissions today and unless I am able to shake off this heaviness in my heart, I fear I might not be able to meet my deadlines. So here goes.

When my father died, three years ago, as hard and painful as it was,I never really came as close to death as I did when mama passed on. I was with him for a week at the Hospital as he was hooked to a machine. I got to talk to him, to pray with him, to tell him I loved him, to apologize for being a crappy daughter. On the day he died, my heart was so heavy, the whole day at the Hospital I would sneak away and leave mama alone to find an empty room to cry in. In the evening I asked one of my best friends to pick me up so that I may spend the evening with her because my heart was too heavy and I did not want to scare mama.

A few hours later, just as we had finished eating dinner, my  now ex husband called me to tell me that baba was no more. That feeling of panic, and fear, and loss and pain is like none other.

But I managed to get to the Hospital while he was still on his bed, still warm, I managed to kiss him before he was taken to the morgue. Maybe that helped with the healing process? Maybe its because we weren't as close as I was with mama? Maybe it is because I had a man I believed adored me so I coped better? I do not know. But I seem to have done a better job of letting him go than I have with mama.

The sweet woman who gave birth to me. My safety net, my shield, my freaking everything I guess. I do not think you can remain the same person once you have bathed and dressed the stiff cold body of your love. It changes you. Something inside you dies too I think. 

When I got the phone call that she was in ICU on a ventilator, I started screaming at the Office...everything just went downhill from there on wards.

The indications of how dysfunctional we are have always been there I guess. But once you loose the glue that held you together then every little thing gets magnified. 

The hardest thing is not loosing a family, not really. The hardest thing has been the feeling of homelessness. of not belonging anywhere. It sounds a bit dramatic I know but having spent my entire life believing that I have a home to run to should life become impossible, realizing that that is not the case anymore has been quite a unique experience. 

For a few months after mama passed on I was unable to eat or sleep, I would wake up sweating with my heart pounding...they call these panic attacks I guess. It did not help that my marriage fell apart at around the same time mama passed away I guess. 

Fast forward to a year later. Things are calmer, I am happier, more stable. More focused. But somehow more alone.

A family member has been unwell for a while, and that is the reason for my heaviness today. But God has been really faithful to me. Despite all my bullshit, he somehow always comes through. So I am going to trust that he wont let us deal with yet another loss in the family. We are barely talking to each other as it is, should we be forced to deal with a loss right now i believe that will be the end of us. IT is kind of funny if you think of it. 

So where does this all leave me? How am I really doing a year after burying that beautiful woman I was blessed to call my mother?

I would say I am alright. I mean, I even managed to fall in love! damaged people do not do that do they? Lol! My kids are amazing, my career is taking off, I think I am alright. And I have my good Lord to thank for that.

Thank you for always looking out for me Jesus. For never leaving my side. For always coming through even when I feared I  was a lost cause.

I feel better already. And now I get to kick some a** in that submission hey. Everyone should write, it is seriously therapeutic.

I will stop now.